you can’t clean this, I was born dirty

Intro

An excerpt from the text of You can’t clean this, I was born dirty - A self-portrait

Hi friends, how should i start this?

I´ve said I love you to 10 people in my life, but I only meant it 4 times. I'm addicted to alcohol. But as long as you admit it to yourself, you are not depending on it right? So it should probably be okay, and two years into a pandemic who is not? Drinking alcohol makes it easier to sleep, but it's a sleep I get tired of. I don´t listen to people.

I'm addicted to cigarettes but I only smoke when I drink. Now I'm starting to think that my bad alcohol habits mean that I really just want to smoke? Smoking takes up too much time. I get bored everywhere.

I often cry over the thought of myself. Or maybe it's better to describe what I look like so it's a little easier for you to understand. So you can see what I look like if you look at my self-portraits, I mean what I see when I see myself. I am average, neither too short nor too long. I have always been fat no matter how much I run. I never get slimmer. Im getting harder to like the older I get. The nose I do not know exactly where it comes from. I cannot remember or look at old pictures of someone in my family who has had such a potato-like nose. I didn't say I hated myself. I have strong legs that are very often tired. Is it because I walk or run so much, or does it have to do with everything I carry on my shoulders?

Why did we become strangers again?

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Charlie Fjätström is an artist currently doing his International MFA at Trondheim Academy of Fine Art in Trondheim, Norway, and is represented by Vasli Souza.